Your Personality Style and the Art of Saying No

 

As we hit the home run stretch of the holiday season, one of the most important words, we as parents can learn to say is "no".  It's a hard lesson but an important one to learn. All you have to do is spend a little time out in the malls shopping with a child or observing others shopping with their children to see what I'm talking about.

Your Personality Style and Saying No

As you may know I'm a big fan of the DISC personality profile and understanding our personality is  helpful as we think about why it is difficult for many of us to say 'no'.  Some personality styles have more trouble saying no than others.

As a quick refresher, there are four basic personality styles.  Here is a short description of each so you can determine where you fit in best: 

• D personality:  dominant, decisive, determined, direct
• I personality:  Inspiring, interactive, impulsive, involved
• S personality:  Supportive, stable, sweet, shy, sensitive
• C personality:  Cautious, calculating, conscientious, correct

Keeping in mind that we are all blends of these four, which one or two describes you? Now, let's think about how your personality influences saying 'no' and setting limits with children.

For instance, if you are 'D' personality, you probably wonder why anyone would write a post about saying no, never mind have trouble saying the words. Your communication is direct and decisive and saying 'no' for you is not difficult.  However, if you are any of the 3 remaining personality styles you understand the problem from a different perspective. 'I' personalities don't say no because they love to say yes to everything fun, exciting and festive about the holiday season. 'S' personalities probably have the most trouble saying no because they want to please everyone and don't want to disappoint. Finally, 'C' personalities have trouble saying no because they want to make absolutely sure they have gotten all the facts before they make a decision and say no to anything. Sometimes it's hard isn't it?

What Role Model Will Be Your Child's Legacy?

Of course during this time of year it's not just about saying no to children and all their requests for gifts, there are many areas in our lives where saying no is healthy and a good idea. Do you limit yourself and say no to material things that you can't afford? Do you make careful choices about where you spend your time or do you say yes to everything that comes down the pike because you don't want to miss out on any experience? Do you say yes to things because you'd feel guilty if you said no, even though you really don't want to spend your time doing what you just agreed to do? Finally, do you say yes to things because you don't want your child to be unhappy even though you can't afford monetarily or time-wise to honor their request?

As parents, I'm not sure we realize what a disservice we do to our children when we always say yes and don't teach them the value of saying no. Of course we can spoil them with too many material things but the real danger is that by never modeling how to say no, we never teach them to say no to themselves as adults. I was reminded of this lesson myself when teaching a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace group. One of the young adults in the group explained that budgeting was extremely hard for her because as a child growing up, her parents managed to somehow buy everything she wanted, even if it meant sacrificing themselves. Consequently now as an adult, she has a very hard time saying no to herself whenever she wants something even when it wrecks havoc with her finances.   When we fail to say no to our children, we don't just spoil them for the moment. We also model for them how to handle their future decisions.

How do you as a parent balance saying no with saying yes to your children? How successful are you at saying no to yourself? Where do you think you learned that?

Here are a couple of great books to help children learn to accept no for an answer:




and to learn that Christmas is not just about getting something but giving as well:




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Three Questions For New Parents

Baby shower truffles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve attended several baby showers lately for new parents and it brings back memories of when I was in their shoes, blissfully anticipating the arrival of our first child. My oldest daughter will soon be twenty-eight years old and it is certainly cause for reflection on the many difficult decisions that I have made over as many years.  Parenting is challenging no doubt but well worth the many hectic and stressful days.  It is a wonderful feeling to watch children grow into confident, happy, successful adults.  Just as expecting parents prepare for the upcoming birth with a nursery full of accessories, they must also prepare by discussing and developing parenting skills.  Looking back there are probably three questions or situations that parents need to learn to handle in order to come out successfully on the other side of parenting.  

Know When To Say No

Some parents are reluctant to say no or to discipline their children.  Instead they say maybe later, I’ll think about it or ask your dad or mom.  They hope that natural consequences or some outside force will create the boundary so they won’t have to.  Never wanting to disappoint they instead cajole, over explain or simply ignore the dreaded NO word.   Kids (and adults for that matter) need limits and despite their attempts to convince parents otherwise, kids are often relieved when the answer is no.  Parents who never say no are often parents who are trying to be a friend instead of a parent. They are parents who want to be liked at the expense of being respected.  Your child will have lots of friends in his/her lifetime but you are the only parent they will have.  Don’t be afraid to fill those shoes.

Know When To Say Yes

Just as important is the situation that calls for yes.  Sometimes it means yes you can do it, you are capable, you are smart enough, energetic or talented enough.  Sometimes it means that as the parent I am willing to encourage your independence, your ability, your skills even though it will mean that I am inconvenienced myself in order to do that.  Recognize your child’s strengths, nurture and encourage them as much and  as often as you point out their weaknesses and areas they need to work on.

Know When To Ask For Help

Parenting can be unknown and uncharted territory for many.  Our only examples may be our own parents which for some is enough and for others may be seriously lacking as good role models.  As a new parent find other experienced role models or mentors who can provide a caring shoulder to lean on and supportive advice when needed.  Equally important, find someone both you and your spouse can agree to agree with.  One of the biggest challenges of parenting is reconciling different parenting styles which come from our different family backgrounds.  Sometimes it takes a third party to calm the waters.

I’d love to hear from readers; what are the most difficult questions or situations you’ve had to deal with.  How have you handled it?