Feel The Fear, Do It Anyway

The child in my office was tearful.  Here was her story:  She was selected to give the pledge to the flag on the morning news station at my school.  This is a great honor and she was excited until the morning of the show, when  she suddenly became paralyzed with fear and begged her teacher not to have to go in front of the camera.  Her teacher reassured her, encouraged her and finally, selected another student to present the pledge.  The child's initial relief turned to great disappointment and tears when her replacement returned to class wearing the special badge which announced to the world that she was a "Star Student" for the day.  Her fear had resulted in a huge disappointment.

It was a hard lesson learned and one that many of us as adults have to learn the hard way as well.  Fear and lack of confidence can keep us from not only accomplishing our goals but also from experiencing exciting moments in lives.  Certain personality styles are more likely to experience this lack of confidence than others.  The most likely candidates are the two personalities that fall on the reserved side of the spectrum:  'C' and 'S'.  Being a high 'S' myself, I could certainly relate to the student's disappointment.  I can remember a similar episode in from my own elementary school days when my class was putting on a play and I begged my teacher not to play the part I was assigned.  It is a little amazing, that I could brave the displeasure of my teacher in order to get out of what to me seemed a terrifying role.  Ironically, she gave me the part of announcer instead and I went from playing the part of a character with one line to an announcer with several lines.  I also soon learned that I missed out on the fun of being on stage with the other children practicing and acting out a story.  When we run from experiences that make us nervous instead of facing the challenge, we sometimes end up performing a job or role that is much less rewarding.

While the student in my office wanted a 'do-over', that opportunity didn't exist.  Each class only had so many opportunities to select a student to present the pledge and her class's turn would move to another class.  However, it was a great life lesson to recognize and prepare for upcoming opportunities that she might encounter.  This is what we focused on.  Not regrets over the loss of the day, but preparing for events in the future.  No doubt, just as I've always remembered the time I gave up the role in the play that I wish I hadn't, this student too will remember to seize the opportunity, face the fear and do it anyway.  The rewards are often well worth it.

Have you faced a similar situation in your life where fear had to be faced?  What did you do?  What was learned?

"I Wasn't Losing, I Was Learning How To Win" Ted Turner

Image by 'PixelPlacebo' via FlickrThe character education word of the week at my school is self-confidence.  I was talking today with a first grade teacher, who always spends a good bit of time talking to her students about character education. She asked her students to share with me what they learned self-confidence means.  One student said, "Facing your fears."  One student said, "Being brave."  One student apparently went home and told her mother that they were learning about self-constipation in class this week... No doubt, her mother was a little surprised at the turn the first grade curriculum had taken...

There has been a lot of concern in recent years about self-esteem and self-confidence.  Both qualities are important aspects of a well-rounded character, however one problem we have created in the interest of making sure that all children have high self-esteem is that we have tried to eliminate failure from our children's lives.  Both at school and at home we focus on how students can be successful and certainly we all want every child to feel successful in something.  We want to identify, develop and celebrate our strengths.  However, we also need to make sure that we don't protect children from occasionally failing at something.  Why?  Because we all learn a great deal from failure.  Sometimes I think we learn more from failure than we do from success.

Many of life's great lessons are learned from failure or hardship.  In fact, if you look into the background of many successful leaders past and present, you will find early lives of adversity.  I'm not suggesting of course that we create hardship, there is enough of that to go around!  I am saying that instead of avoiding failure, we need to teach children the right perspective for viewing failure.  We need to teach them to expect that there will be times of hardship and disappointment but that  if they will put into practice what they have learned from it, they can turn failure into success.  We need to teach children that failure should challenge them to do more or act differently or to become better, but not to give up.

One way we can do this is by example.  We can teach children about well -known people who have overcome failure and continued to create a successful life. There are numerous examples of people who had significant periods of failure in their lives. In the political arena, Abraham Lincoln lost 6 different elections. Thomas Edison's teachers thought he was too stupid to learn anything.  In addition, he  had 1,000 failed attempts before he created the light bulb.  When asked how it felt to fail 1,000 times, he replied, " I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 stops." In the title of this post, we see Ted Turner's response to how he kept going when his sailing team lost year after year and his baseball team came in last four years in a row (before winning the World Series).  His perception of failure resulted in him ultimately becoming successful.  We need to make sure that students learn that success often comes out of failure.

Most importantly though, we can demonstrate learning from failure in our own lives.  We can share with our children how we have coped with adversity and how we have learned from it.  How we handle failure will be a blueprint for our children as they face failure in their own.  What about you?  Has failure or hardship been something that has ultimately shaped your life for the better?  What do you think children need to learn about failure?

Ten Steps To Creating A Family Vision For 2012

Image via Wikipedia

In an effort to motivate her young charge to move out the door quickly, my friend challenged him in a race.  When he won with very little effort, he announced, "I won because I'm newer than you are!" She had to agree, he was a lot newer than she was.

In the new year, we are encouraged to set new goals and to focus on becoming newer and better.  One way to do this is to develop a family vision statement as well as family goals.  If this is a new idea for you, then you may be wondering how to do begin.  It doesn't have to be a formal agonizing process.  In fact, when I have taught classes on visioning and setting goals, we have made it a fun family affair.  Here's some suggested ways to make it happen in your family:

1. Plan a family together time with refreshments and lots of creative materials available for everyone.  
2.  Consider the personalities of your family members as you approach the  task at hand.  If you have 'D' style members, you want to make sure the time is structured to get results.  You might even want to set up a time frame and plan some structure into the activities.
3. If you have more 'I' wired family members, plan a family party!  Make sure you have plenty of creative materials available for everyone to express their ideas.  You might want to work as a group and brainstorm ideas with one person assigned to be the scribe.  
4. If you have 'S' wired members you will want to make sure the atmosphere is one of peace and harmony.  This doesn't mean everyone has to agree but at the same time keep the meeting positive and upbeat.    This is not the time to moan and groan about the past year, or a family member's irritating habits.  Stay focused on the future.
5. Finally, if you have 'C' personality styles in your family, you might want to assign them the task of writing up the goals and putting everything in order at the end.  
6. Make sure everyone in the family is involved.  Even the youngest members can make pictures of how they see the family working and playing together in the coming year.  Older members can also draw or even list words to describe how they see the family interacting.
7. Spend some time discussing the values that you think are important to your family; love, generosity, achievement, playfulness, for example.  You may want to include some of those in your vision statement.    
8. Make a collage from old magazines, children's art work or photos that is a visual of the family experience in the future. Express the family values and plans through a visual representation of how the family will spend time and interact together in the future.
9. Keep it simple.  The vision statement should be expressed in as few words as possible and should be understandable to even the youngest family members.
10. Post the result in a prominent place in your home where it can be an ongoing reminder to everyone.  Refer to it frequently as you plan your family activities.

The important thing is to make the family vision and goals representative of your family's personality and values.  The vision statement should not be a lengthy dissertation on family life.  Instead, it should be something even the the youngest member can understand.  My vision statement can be boiled down to two words:  Encourage and empower. One of my family goals for the future year is:  To accumulate positive enriching experiences with my daughters.

There is great value in the process and in the setting of goals.  It can be a time of positive family interaction and focus on the future year together.  What about your family?  Do you have  a family vision or family goals?  How have you created them as a family?


Some great books on developing a vision statement: