Should We Eliminate Failure from our Children's Lives?

In my last post, I talked about recognizing the gifts that we all have and the diversity of those gifts.  Understanding our unique abilities and working in our strengths develops a sense of self and increases self-esteem.  It gives us focus and direction in life. 

One problem we have created in the interest of making sure that all children have high self-esteem however, is that we have tried to eliminate failure from our children's lives. Both at school and at home we focus on how students can be successful and certainly we all want every child to feel successful in something. We want to identify, develop and celebrate talents. However, we also need to make sure that we don't protect children from occasionally failing at something. Why? Because we all learn a great deal from failure. Sometimes I think we learn more from failure than we do from success.

What Can Be Learned from Failure?

Many of life's great lessons are learned from failure or hardship. In fact, if you look into the background of many successful leaders past and present, you will find early lives of adversity. I'm not suggesting of course that we create hardship, there is enough of that to go around! Instead, we need to teach children the right perspective for viewing failure. We need to teach them to expect that there will be times of hardship and disappointment but that if they will put into practice what they have learned from it, they can turn failure into success. We need to teach children that failure should challenge them to do more or act differently or to become better, but not to give up.

Failure is Part of Every Success

One way we can do this is by example. We can teach children about well -known people who have overcome failure and continued to create a successful life. There are numerous examples of people who had significant periods of failure in their lives. In the political arena, Abraham Lincoln lost 6 different elections before becoming president. Thomas Edison's teachers thought he was unable to learn anything. In addition, he had 1,000 failed attempts before he created the light bulb. When asked how it felt to fail 1,000 times, he replied, " I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps." Ted Turner, founder of CNN and owner of the Braves baseball team wasasked how he kept going when his sailing team lost year after year and his baseball team came in last four years in a row (before winning the World Series). His response was, "I wasn't failing, I was learning how to suceed."  Turner's perception of failure resulted in ultimately becoming successful. We need to make sure that students learn that success often comes out of failure.

Here is a fabulous video about a boy who accepts and takes failure in stride!  He has created a monster trap that is beyond complicated.  How many tries does he think it will take to make the trap successful?  A ton!  Does he give up?  Not at all.  He is absolutely jubilent when it takes less than expected.  We can all learn something about the necessity of failure from this child. 

Parents and Educators Provide Role Models

As parents, teachers, and other significant adults, how we handle failure in our own lives will be an even more important lesson for our children than how we handle success. It will be a blueprint for our children as they face failure in their own.  We can share with children the times we have experienced failure and the lessons learned.

What about you? Has failure or hardship been something that has ultimately shaped your life for the better? What lessons would you share that you have learned from failure?

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Feel The Fear, Do It Anyway

The child in my office was tearful.  Here was her story:  She was selected to give the pledge to the flag on the morning news station at my school.  This is a great honor and she was excited until the morning of the show, when  she suddenly became paralyzed with fear and begged her teacher not to have to go in front of the camera.  Her teacher reassured her, encouraged her and finally, selected another student to present the pledge.  The child's initial relief turned to great disappointment and tears when her replacement returned to class wearing the special badge which announced to the world that she was a "Star Student" for the day.  Her fear had resulted in a huge disappointment.

It was a hard lesson learned and one that many of us as adults have to learn the hard way as well.  Fear and lack of confidence can keep us from not only accomplishing our goals but also from experiencing exciting moments in lives.  Certain personality styles are more likely to experience this lack of confidence than others.  The most likely candidates are the two personalities that fall on the reserved side of the spectrum:  'C' and 'S'.  Being a high 'S' myself, I could certainly relate to the student's disappointment.  I can remember a similar episode in from my own elementary school days when my class was putting on a play and I begged my teacher not to play the part I was assigned.  It is a little amazing, that I could brave the displeasure of my teacher in order to get out of what to me seemed a terrifying role.  Ironically, she gave me the part of announcer instead and I went from playing the part of a character with one line to an announcer with several lines.  I also soon learned that I missed out on the fun of being on stage with the other children practicing and acting out a story.  When we run from experiences that make us nervous instead of facing the challenge, we sometimes end up performing a job or role that is much less rewarding.

While the student in my office wanted a 'do-over', that opportunity didn't exist.  Each class only had so many opportunities to select a student to present the pledge and her class's turn would move to another class.  However, it was a great life lesson to recognize and prepare for upcoming opportunities that she might encounter.  This is what we focused on.  Not regrets over the loss of the day, but preparing for events in the future.  No doubt, just as I've always remembered the time I gave up the role in the play that I wish I hadn't, this student too will remember to seize the opportunity, face the fear and do it anyway.  The rewards are often well worth it.

Have you faced a similar situation in your life where fear had to be faced?  What did you do?  What was learned?

"I Wasn't Losing, I Was Learning How To Win" Ted Turner

Image by 'PixelPlacebo' via FlickrThe character education word of the week at my school is self-confidence.  I was talking today with a first grade teacher, who always spends a good bit of time talking to her students about character education. She asked her students to share with me what they learned self-confidence means.  One student said, "Facing your fears."  One student said, "Being brave."  One student apparently went home and told her mother that they were learning about self-constipation in class this week... No doubt, her mother was a little surprised at the turn the first grade curriculum had taken...

There has been a lot of concern in recent years about self-esteem and self-confidence.  Both qualities are important aspects of a well-rounded character, however one problem we have created in the interest of making sure that all children have high self-esteem is that we have tried to eliminate failure from our children's lives.  Both at school and at home we focus on how students can be successful and certainly we all want every child to feel successful in something.  We want to identify, develop and celebrate our strengths.  However, we also need to make sure that we don't protect children from occasionally failing at something.  Why?  Because we all learn a great deal from failure.  Sometimes I think we learn more from failure than we do from success.

Many of life's great lessons are learned from failure or hardship.  In fact, if you look into the background of many successful leaders past and present, you will find early lives of adversity.  I'm not suggesting of course that we create hardship, there is enough of that to go around!  I am saying that instead of avoiding failure, we need to teach children the right perspective for viewing failure.  We need to teach them to expect that there will be times of hardship and disappointment but that  if they will put into practice what they have learned from it, they can turn failure into success.  We need to teach children that failure should challenge them to do more or act differently or to become better, but not to give up.

One way we can do this is by example.  We can teach children about well -known people who have overcome failure and continued to create a successful life. There are numerous examples of people who had significant periods of failure in their lives. In the political arena, Abraham Lincoln lost 6 different elections. Thomas Edison's teachers thought he was too stupid to learn anything.  In addition, he  had 1,000 failed attempts before he created the light bulb.  When asked how it felt to fail 1,000 times, he replied, " I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 stops." In the title of this post, we see Ted Turner's response to how he kept going when his sailing team lost year after year and his baseball team came in last four years in a row (before winning the World Series).  His perception of failure resulted in him ultimately becoming successful.  We need to make sure that students learn that success often comes out of failure.

Most importantly though, we can demonstrate learning from failure in our own lives.  We can share with our children how we have coped with adversity and how we have learned from it.  How we handle failure will be a blueprint for our children as they face failure in their own.  What about you?  Has failure or hardship been something that has ultimately shaped your life for the better?  What do you think children need to learn about failure?

Can Young Children Have New Year's Resolutions?

Image by vanhookc via Flickr
In my last post, I talked about New Year's Resolutions and you may be thinking that setting goals and making plans for the upcoming year is something that only adults need to do.  After all, children don't yet have a career to think about or an extra 20 pounds to lose. However, teaching children at a young age to begin setting goals and to begin challenging themselves to live their personal best helps prepare them to live more intentionally as adults.  It teaches them early on that they have choices and control over their lives and what happens to them.  It helps them develop a sense of who they are and increases their sense of responsibility and self esteem. 

How do you go about talking with a young child about setting goals?  First talk with them about what they wish for in the upcoming year.  Most young child especially like the idea of three wishes and you might ask them to identify a wish for themselves, a wish for the family and a wish the world.  You may need to help the child take a fantasy type wish and see how you can make it a practical down-to-earth type of a wish. You may be surprised at how altruistic and unselfish children can be when they wish things for others. For instance if they wish that everyone in the family would be happy or that they would not fight, you might explore how could we encourage this?  A weekly family game night?  A weekly family meeting to discuss problems?The wishes become a goal and from the goal you develop a plan.  Once you develop a plan be sure to write it down.  A poster board that your child can decorate and personalize then hang up as a reminder in their room is perfect.  Keep the goals and plan simple and concrete so  your child will understand them and be able to act on them easily.  Try this and I bet you and your family will be well on your way to to an awesome year!

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