Tackling Childhood Issues of Sharing and Jealousy

 

Two new books by the same author cover some topics that aren't usually found in a story.  The lessons learned are memorable.

In Eleanor Won't Share, Julie Gassman introduces Eleanor who has a hard time sharing and even has rules for when and what she shares.  Mostly she shares things she doesn't like at times that benefit her.  She doesn't mind sharing her snack because she doesn't like it anyway.  She shares the art supplies because it is more fun to paint with someone else, but when it comes time to share the dress-up clothes... well, she hogs them all.  That is until she learns a valuable lesson when everyone is playing a game and she isn't included until she agrees to share.  The illustrations are clever and the story well told. 


In Lucille Gets Jealous, Julie Gassman writes about an older sister, Lucille, who is jealous of all the attention her baby sister gets for doing things that Lucille does already.  Baby Margaret gets praise for getting her shoes and saying book, when Lucille can put on her own shoes and read!  In the end, Lucille discovers that she is not only appreciated for her own strengths but that she is a great role model for her younger sister.



Both books made a great addition to a school counselor shelf and great guidance lessons on sharing and jealousy. Do you have other books that you would recommend  on these topics?  I'd love to hear about them!!

Like this post?  Share on Facebook and Twitter!!

Teaching Children Three Concepts about Generosity

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

~Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

Developing the trait of generosity and kindness is something that can be started early in small ways and then developed into bigger projects as children grow. What I love about this video is that it demonstrates these three concepts:

• Kindness and generosity can be something very small, helping someone up who falls or carrying something that is heavy for someone else.  We all have opportunities to be kind and generous daily.
• Kindness and generosity encourages kindness and generosity.  When we are kind and generous it begins a never ending spiral of similar acts.
• What you give comes back to you.   

All ages can learn to share random acts of kindness regularly, daily.  When we as parents and teachers model kindness and generosity we can be assured that the thread will continue and ultimately come back to us.
 
Developing and participating in service projects is one way to encourage children to develop a spirit of generosity.  Most schools provide ample opportunities for students to do this from donating canned goods at Thanksgiving to contributing funds when disaster strikes in different parts of the world. Age is of course a factor as well but even young children can learn to give food, toys or clothing to those in need. The best and most life changing service however, is service that involves giving of more than our excess. It involves giving time in service. This might mean spending a Saturday morning in a soup kitchen for the homeless, or volunteering in a nursing home visiting with residents who have no family. It's cleaning up a park or helping out at an animal shelter. Service that moves us out of our comfort zone and challenges us to make a difference in the world develops children and ultimately adults, of compassion and character.

The newest book in the Wyatt series addresses the issues of generosity and giving.  It's not quite ready for publication yet but stay tuned and I'll let you know as soon as its available.  Here's the cover:

Get ready for the upcoming school year by downloading a FREE digital copy of Wyatt the Wonder Dog Learns About Being Organized.  It will be available Friday, August 2 and Saturday, August 3 on Amazon.  Here's the link:  Wyatt book

If you are near Woodstock, Georgia on Friday, August 2nd at 6:30pm, come visit me at Foxtale Book Shoppe where I will be signing Wyatt books with lots of other local authors.  I'm also giving away this bag of goodies!  I'd love to see you there.

Like this post?  Please share it with your friends on facebook and twitter!

You Get What You Get, If You Don't Throw a Fit: Learning to Handle Disappointment

We all face disappointment, children and adults alike.  Whether it's missing the winning shot or rain that ruins a picnic at the park, life is full of big and little disappointments.  As parents and teachers we often would like to spare kids from these letdowns.  However, we can do them a greater service if instead we teach them tools and skills for how to deal with them.

"Melvin did not deal well with disappointment."  This is the beginning of Julie Gassman's newest book, You Get What You Get.  It tackles the problem of handling disappointment in a clever and straightforward way.  Melvin throws a fit whenever he doesn't get what he wants.  Apparently this is what works at home and he always gets his way, but at school the rule is "You get what you get if you don't throw a fit."  Melvin quickly learns to control his behavior at school and when he spills the beans at home, his parents take on a new philosophy as well.  The book makes a great lesson and relevant point about self control that any child can understand. With bright illustrations and a to-the-point message, Gassman has created a winning book with a great message.

While the book teaches self control, it doesn't teach children other tools for handling disappointment.  It is after all a picture book and can't cover everything.   Here are some suggestions for expanding the story:

• Teach children that while feeling disappointed or angry is okay, certain behaviors such as throwing a fit are not.
• Teach children to communicate and talk through their feelings in a respectful way
• Teach children to recognize the difference between things they can change and things that need to be accepted. Not always getting to go first or to decide the movie to watch may need to be accepted. Not being accepted into the elite choir ensemble at school may need to be accepted but if this is a true goal then perhaps voice lessons and further practice should be considered for next year.  Help children develop critical thinking skills to evaluate different situations and the best response to each.
• Teach children that here is often a lesson learned or even an opportunity in disappointment.  As a teacher or parent you can share a time that you didn't get what you wanted but in the end you got an opportunity that you would not have expected because of the disappointment.

Disappointment is something we've all experienced and our children will as well.  Developing tools for handling it is an important life lesson.

What about you? Can you think of a disappointment that turned out to be a lesson learned or an unexpected opportunity?  How do you react to letdowns?

Like this post?  Share with your friends on facebook and twitter!

Summertime Reading for Children of All Ages

Summer is a great time to encourage kids to spend time reading. Not only is it entertaining but studies have shown that over the summer months, students typically lose many of the reading skills that they have worked so hard to gain throughout the school year. Parents can prevent this by making sure that there are plenty of opportunities to read. There are a lot of great books out there too that are not only exciting adventures but wonderful messages as well.

Friend and newly published author, Martha Orlando has a trilogy that is just out this spring.  If you want a young adult book that is packed with action, humor and inspiration, you can't beat A Trip, A Tryst and a Terror, Children of the Garden and the newest one soon to be out,  The Moment of Truth.

My friend Erin Casey, editor of Success magazine, has penned two terrific young adult books in her Zany Zia Hats To Where series. In the first book, An All Knight Adventure, Evan Tanner is transported to a castle in the middle ages where he conquers his fears in order to battle dragons and bullies. In Lost in Comanche Country, Marianna bravely navigates between Indian warriors, hungry mountain lions and cowboys out for revenge, while learning that despite all our differences we still have much in common if we will but take the time to get to know each other. For more information check out the Zany Zia website here. 

Jordan Crowl, author of Ed's Journal is a talented author and illustrator who has written a series of character education books which allow the reader to determine possible choices and consequences.  These books make for great discussions between children and parents, as well as a wonderful lesson too. He's written several but here are a couple of my favorites:

Finally, I just have to mention my own series of books about Wyatt the Wonder Dog.  In the first book, Wyatt the Wonder Dog Learns About Good Manners, Wyatt learns what to do about a bossy friend who doesn't use his manners. In the second book, Wyatt the Wonder Dog Learns About Being Organized, Wyatt learns how to plan ahead and organize his day, a skill that I've had many adults tell me they need to develop as well!  In the most recent book, Wyatt the Wonder Dog Goes to Kindergarten, Wyatt learns that adjusting to change can often be very rewarding.  All the books are available on amazon.com  and I have included affiliate links.  Curious about the next Wyatt book that will be out soon this year?  Follow our progress on the Wyatt site.  Happy Summertime Reading!

Like this post?  Share on facebook or twitter!

Do you know a child who would like to attend our writing camp?  Check out the information in the Events Page on this site.

Consider Your Child's Personality When Planning Summertime Activities

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Summer vacations are upon us! Summer is filled with sleeping late, days at the pool, friends getting together and lots of free time. It sounds heavenly, but sometimes the end result falls short of the mark. As a mom, I can remember looking forward to the summer months with guarded anticipation. The first few days were relaxing and fun and then the dreaded B word would surface - "I'm Bored!" Being the ultimate problem solver that I am, I tried a lot of different things but I must admit that I didn't take into account my children's personality type as I planned their days. What a difference that might have made!

There are four basic personality styles and here's a short description of the characteristics of each one:

D: dominant, determined, doer, demanding
I: inspiring, influencing, interactive
S: stable, supportive, sweet, shy
C: cautious, competent, calculating, concerned

For the high 'D' type, plan some activities that involve physical activities and challenges - join a swim team, sign up for camp or plan a neighborhood get-together. The 'D's' love anything that involves a challenge and offers clear results. Put them in charge of the activities and they are working in their strengths.

For the 'I' wired child, social activites are a priority. This child will enjoy attending play groups, vacation Bible school, drama camp anything where they find lots of friends participating. In fact, to get an activity going well, ask them to invite all their friends. You will soon have a party going on!

The 'S' wired child would probably be content just to hang around the house entertaining themselves with a few close friends. They like creative pursuits, a laid back easy going routine and a peaceful environment. Lots of rushing off to camp or classes is not for them.

Finally the 'C' wired child likes plenty of opportunities to investigate and discover. While they might enjoy a science or computer camp, they could be equally happy pursuing their own projects at home. Encourage them in their quest for the right way to do things.

Well, there you have it. A unique way of looking at your summer plans based on your child's personality style. So often we feel compelled to send all our children to camp or sign them all up for swim team. However, sometimes the activity doesn't fit the personality. First recognize your child's unique strengths and gifts and then plan your summer accordingly. The lazy days of summer will go much more smoothly.

Like this post?  Share with your friends on facebook and twitter! 

Do you know a child who loves to write?  Consider the writing camp that I am offering this summer.  Check out the details on the events page.

How Do You Encourage Responsible Children?

A child jumping (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As parents and educators we probably use the word responsible and responsibility several times a day.  We tell children they need to be more responsible.  We say,  “That’s your responsibility, not mine.”  We tell them they are responsible for homework or chores or a younger brother or sister. 

One of the key habits for success that is promoted at the school where I work is:  I am responsible.  We define being responsible in this way:  I take charge of my own actions, attitude and moods. I do not blame others for my wrong actions.  I do the right thing without being asked, even when no one is looking.  As you can tell from this definition, being responsible is more than being obedient.  Being obedient means doing what one is told and this is important. It is the first step toward being responsible.  Responsibility however, involves both personal decision and motivation.  Being responsible involves evaluating a situation and doing the right thing for that circumstance.  Being responsible means anticipating what needs to be done and following through on commitments.  As you can see, being responsible is a skill that children are always improving and learning rather than a destination to be arrived at.

What are some of the considerations for being responsible?

The first thing to consider is if the child understands what is involved in completing a task they are asked to do.  For instance, “clean your room” may mean a very different thing to a parent and a child.  For a child it may mean tossing all the toys in a pile in the corner.  For the parent, it may mean putting everything in its assigned place.   Whenever you give instructions to a child, make sure you are communicating clearly the expectations and you will get better results.

The second thing to consider is the child’s acceptance of the task.  Many times adults say, “Will you pick up your toys for me?”   This implies a choice when there is probably not one.  If there is no choice involved we should state the task differently.  “I need you to pick up the toys and put them on the shelf, please.”  This is a clearer direction when there is no choice involved.  Otherwise, the child may say in so many words, “Thanks but no thanks, I’ll just continue playing.”  And then we’ve set ourselves up for a disagreement.

The third thing to consider is the child’s motivation for the task.  Most children begin life by being motivated by external factors.  They will complete chores for an allowance or finish eating dinner so they can have dessert.  They will complete the assigned task so they get to play or watch tv or visit with a friend.  Hopefully, however, the older the child becomes the more they are motivated internally rather than externally.  So they finish their homework because they understand that it helps them learn and progress through school to the career they want.  They help clean up the kitchen after dinner because they know that when the family cooperates and works together, then everyone feels better and there is time for the family to play together afterward.  This shift comes with age and experience.  We as parents can help this happen by offering encouragement and praise while modeling and discussing the why behind the task. 

There are different levels of responsibility and I will address this in my next blog.  In the meantime, I’m curious if you have questions or examples of how you encourage responsibility in your children or students.  I’d love to hear from you!

Related articles

• Should You Give Your Kids an Allowance for Chores?
• Responsibility - A Fable
• Raising Successful Children

Have You Encouraged A Child Today?

Hope all you moms had fun today! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you've spent any time around kids you know how hungry they all are for a pat on the back and words of approval.  Go in any classroom and you will hear everything from, "Didn't I do good on this?" to "Hey, look at me!"  to the student who doesn't ever ask but simply glows when you give them a compliment.  Most of us in the education field have received a lot of training in what is frequently called classroom management. An integral part is often the admonition to " catch children being good".  It's one of the most powerful ways a teacher, a mom a dad or a principal can inspire a child.  Turns out we can all benefit from similar encouraging words.


Every year there are days set aside for recognizing the hard work of teachers and parents.  There's teacher appreciation week and next month there is Mother's Day followed by Father's Day in June.  These are great times to acknowledge these different roles but I believe that anyone who  teaches, mentors or influences a child needs regular recognition for the important and valuable job they have.  Especially in today's society there is often the perception that in order to change the world you have to take on a big issue like world hunger or world peace.  You have to be in charge of a big corporation or head up a big movement.  In reality, those men and women who everyday interact in a positive way with a child are truly creating a positive world and future for us all.



To find your meaning, your purpose in life doesn't always mean packing up, leaving a job or moving across the world.  Sometimes it just means getting down on your knees and teaching a child. I'm not just talking about parents and paid teachers here either.  Sometimes it's the custodian at our school who builds student's self-esteem.  We have one custodian who regularly after school has a child or two who hangs out with him and helps sweep the floors.  Why?  Because he knows how to encourage and help them feel important.  Sometimes it's an assistant principal who creates a group for students who don't belong to any other group or club and meets regularly with those students giving them meaningful tasks to do around the school and providing positive interaction while they help out.  Sometimes it's a teacher who takes the time to understand why a student is always late or doesn't have their homework and then helps them put into place the guidelines they need to succeed.

Any job, any role has the potential in it for us to find the purpose or meaning there and commit to going beyond average to great.  Anybody can show up at work and do an average job.  Anybody can show up on Monday, complete the bare minimum all week and count the days until Friday.   But the individual who goes beyond average, finds the passion in their everyday work and commits to tapping into the energy that the passion provides is living out their purpose.  And when teaching or mentoring or encouraging a child is involved, these are truly people who are making a better world for us all.  These are ordinary people doing ordinary things in an extraordinary way.  Make sure you recognize these people all around you.  Make sure you are one of them.

Is It Nap Time Yet? Seven Great Reasons For Taking A Nap.

Let Sleeping Children Lie (Photo credit: stewickie)In the kindergarten world a daily nap is just an everyday part of the schedule.  Just as some adults make use of naps while others do not, so children vary in their napping habits.  Visit any kindergarten class during nap time and you will see some children restlessly twisting  and turning on their mats, covertly making animal noises under their breath or poking their neighbor while other children are oblivious to the world around them and snoring away.  Some children can barely make it through the day until nap time and others groan (maybe inwardly) when the time arrives that they have to still the inner engines for  a few minutes of peace and quiet.

My own children were exact opposites in terms of napping ability as well.  My older daughter gave up naps totally at one year old, right about the time I quit work to stay home with her.  Ever a restless and light sleeper any way, she arose early and went to bed with great protest late, never to slow down or let her head touch a pillow in between.  My second daughter, was practically never awake for the first year of her life.  She would wake up to eat and be changed, take a long morning nap, wake up for lunch take an even longer afternoon nap and still go to sleep without any problem early in the evening.  I used to say that she slept so much and so soundly that I was afraid I would forget she was even in the house as I went about my daily chores. If anything interfered with her scheduled nap, she would just fall asleep whenever and wherever.  I have numerous pictures of her dosing off midway through a meal, her head drifting downward into a plate of food.

There has been a lot of research on the benefits of naps and the number of famous adults who considered naps an important part of their daily routine.  We all know that there a different stages of sleep but recent research indicates that if you plan your nap based on the sleep stages and what you are trying to accomplish with a nap, you can reap huge benefits.   What are the benefits of napping?  Here's seven reasons for children and adults to take that afternoon siesta:

1. It increases alertness.  Just a twenty minute nap has been proven to increase alertness by 100%, more than 200mg of caffeine or a bout of exercise.
2. It improves learning and memory especially memory that is involved in working on complex tasks that require focus.  Schedule that lesson on learning the ABCs either early in the morning OR after the nap time.
3. It improves memory retention since this is when recent memories are transferred to the neocortex where long term memories are kept.  Napping after learning the ABCs will help cement that lesson in the long term memory.
4. It prevents burnout and reverses information overload.  Feeling overwhelmed?  Taking a nap actually improves performance on tasks.
5. It heightens senses and creativity.  This happens through improving sensory perception and freeing up ideas that can be woven together into new creative thought patterns.  Plan that art project right after nap time.
6. It improves health.  Not enough sleep creates an increase in the stress hormone cortisol. Sleep  releases the growth hormone which is the antidote to cortisol.
7. It improves your mood.  Sleep bathes the brain in the neurotransmitter serotonin which regulates mood, sleep and appetite thus creating a more positive outlook. That's why children get so cranky when they miss their nap time and why they are so much more pleasant afterwards.

After reading the research on naps, I'm so convinced that naps are healthy, I'm planning to work one into my schedule today.  This is research that simply confirms what I've wanted to do all along but now gives me a great reason for following through.  What about you?  Do you take naps?  Do your children?

Children and Grief

Image via WikipediaIn recent months, I've been asked to speak with several children about the death of someone close to them. In doing this I'm reminded of several principles of grief counseling that  I'd like to share.  The first one is that everyone grieves differently.  This is as true of children as it is of adults.  I've talked with children who are grieving over the loss of a beloved pet and others who have lost a parent or grandparent.  Some children are overcome with emotion and I've comforted children who cried daily with the continued illness of a grandparent but who once they died seemed to take it in stride and returned to life as normal.  I've also talked with students who showed no emotion at the loss of a parent and who weeks, even months later broke down in class at the mention of a Mother's Day project. We all feel and react differently to loss.

Most of us are all challenged as to how to respond when confronted with  someone who is grieving and there are no right words to say.  Listening, comforting, supporting no matter whether the feelings are anger, sadness or grief is most helpful. The relationship is more important than the words.   Because most of us are uncomfortable with others grieving, we often try to make things better or rush them through. Instead we need to be patient and allow the person to experience the emotions they have in the moment.  Just as everyone grieves differently, everyone grieves at a different pace.

Children like adults need permission to grieve.  We often ignore grief or try to distract others from grief by keeping them busy.  Instead provide an opportunity for the child to talk about the person who died and to develop their memories of them.  I often ask children what they will miss about the person who died and many children like to draw pictures to keep of their most cherished memories.  Families can also help children develop memories through rituals or through discussing their faith and religious beliefs with them as well.

There are several books available to help children through the grieving process.  Here are a couple that I've used:

"I Wasn't Losing, I Was Learning How To Win" Ted Turner

Image by 'PixelPlacebo' via FlickrThe character education word of the week at my school is self-confidence.  I was talking today with a first grade teacher, who always spends a good bit of time talking to her students about character education. She asked her students to share with me what they learned self-confidence means.  One student said, "Facing your fears."  One student said, "Being brave."  One student apparently went home and told her mother that they were learning about self-constipation in class this week... No doubt, her mother was a little surprised at the turn the first grade curriculum had taken...

There has been a lot of concern in recent years about self-esteem and self-confidence.  Both qualities are important aspects of a well-rounded character, however one problem we have created in the interest of making sure that all children have high self-esteem is that we have tried to eliminate failure from our children's lives.  Both at school and at home we focus on how students can be successful and certainly we all want every child to feel successful in something.  We want to identify, develop and celebrate our strengths.  However, we also need to make sure that we don't protect children from occasionally failing at something.  Why?  Because we all learn a great deal from failure.  Sometimes I think we learn more from failure than we do from success.

Many of life's great lessons are learned from failure or hardship.  In fact, if you look into the background of many successful leaders past and present, you will find early lives of adversity.  I'm not suggesting of course that we create hardship, there is enough of that to go around!  I am saying that instead of avoiding failure, we need to teach children the right perspective for viewing failure.  We need to teach them to expect that there will be times of hardship and disappointment but that  if they will put into practice what they have learned from it, they can turn failure into success.  We need to teach children that failure should challenge them to do more or act differently or to become better, but not to give up.

One way we can do this is by example.  We can teach children about well -known people who have overcome failure and continued to create a successful life. There are numerous examples of people who had significant periods of failure in their lives. In the political arena, Abraham Lincoln lost 6 different elections. Thomas Edison's teachers thought he was too stupid to learn anything.  In addition, he  had 1,000 failed attempts before he created the light bulb.  When asked how it felt to fail 1,000 times, he replied, " I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 stops." In the title of this post, we see Ted Turner's response to how he kept going when his sailing team lost year after year and his baseball team came in last four years in a row (before winning the World Series).  His perception of failure resulted in him ultimately becoming successful.  We need to make sure that students learn that success often comes out of failure.

Most importantly though, we can demonstrate learning from failure in our own lives.  We can share with our children how we have coped with adversity and how we have learned from it.  How we handle failure will be a blueprint for our children as they face failure in their own.  What about you?  Has failure or hardship been something that has ultimately shaped your life for the better?  What do you think children need to learn about failure?

How Do You Teach Time Management To Kids?

It's back to school time again and here at Sixes Elementary, where I work, everyone is busy preparing for the first day of school which begins next week!  I work with an amazing team of caring, dedicated people and there is a flurry of activity as rooms are prepared, materials are sorted and lesson plans are created.

As a parent, I remember the days leading up to the first day of school a a little differently.  It was not only time to buy school supplies and school clothes, but it was also time to get back on a different schedule.  Late nights and sleeping in needed to turn  into early organized mornings and bedtime routines.  This sounds much easier than it actually is.  Many a parent has become a raving maniac, just from dealing with a resistant slower-than-molasses child who needs to catch the school bus at the designated time each morning.

Recently, I attended Dr. Robert Rohm's Advanced Behavioral Training where we learned time tips for the four different personality types.  It seems to me that knowing something about how each personality type approaches time, could help teachers and parents alike, as we all prepare for back to school schedules.  Here's a few pointers:

'D' personality styles are dominant, independent, impatient and competitive.  They tend to focus on the future and are high achievers.  To get your high 'D' child on a great morning routine, provide them with control and challenge.  Have them be an active part in planning and implementing their schedule and routine.  Make sure they understand the results of their efforts.

'I' personality styles are inspiring, energetic, friendly and talkative.  They tend to focus on the present and  enjoy meeting and influencing people.  To get them motivated for a successful morning routine and school year, emphasize the fun and interactive aspects.  Since 'I' personalities tend to be loosely disciplined and unfocused, you as the parent may need to teach them the benefits of structure and focus. To engage them and make sure they are motivated, make sure you build in some fun, energetic and interactive components to their routine.

'S' personality styles tend to be supportive, steady, good helpers and practical.  They like things to be simple and problem-free.  Provide a low-pressure, encouraging morning atmosphere and you will gain their cooperation.  A steady predictable routine where they receive frequent feedback for a job well-done will go a long way to motivate them.

Finally the 'C' personality style tends to be cautious, accurate, precise and insightful.  They focus on past information to make logical choices and prefer getting all the details in order to make quality decisions.  This child is more likely to get YOU on a morning schedule than to need to you to structure them!  However, because of their perfectionistic nature, they do sometimes need more time to do things the right way, so make sure you build extra time into their morning schedule.

Well, there you have it;  some time tips for  creating a successful morning schedule with your child while taking into account their personality style.  Here's to a GREAT NEW SCHOOL YEAR!

Speaking Your Child's Personality Language

Image by cobalt123 via FlickrRecently, I was talking with a kindergarten teacher who told me a child came into her class that morning announcing proudly that she would be attending pajama class after school. Being a pro at deciphering children's language, she quickly realized the student was talking about going to drama class after school...

Speaking a child's language is helpful in parenting as well.  In the previous posts, I've been talking about New Year's Resolutions and setting goals.  If you want to help your child set goals that motivate them, it helps if you speak their personality language.  For instance, if you have a D wired child, then you would want to help them chose a goal that is very specific and has a deadline.  D personalities are highly motivated and competitive, so setting a goal to give their energy some direction will be very successful.  I wired children are great starters but not such great finishers.  They also thrive on social interaction and recognition, so setting a goal that involves a social network to support and encourage them to achieve it would be best.  Add in an element of fun and the I wired child will be hooked.  S wired children are great finishers but have difficulty starting tasks.  They are very tuned in to the needs of others and will work to accomplish a goal as much to please you as to please themselves.  Select a goal that they can commit to with your support or the support of a close friend to motivate them to get going. Finally, C wired children love to develop and research a goal.  If they are committed, they will work hard to accomplish the task.  Help them see the big picture so that they don't get lost in the details and you will have a winning combination. Learning to set and accomplish goals is an important skill to learn and by speaking your child's personality language, you can ensure that they are successful.

Christmas Gift Giving For Children

Christmas is almost upon us and as usual there is a lot of discussion about gifts.  A big dilemma for me when my children were little was what to get them and how much to get them.  The lists they gave me seemed endless and didn't really help because they changed continually, depending on the current toy being advertised on television.  Just when I thought I had a plan, the number one gift suddenly plummeted to number twenty and something new was number one.  I was frustrated and concerned.  What's a parent to do?

I recently read a blog where the writer suggested that parents buy each child three gifts:  one gift that the child wants, one that they need and one that is a surprise.  Ever the one to need a plan and a list, I found this suggestion to be outstanding.  It seems to cover all the possibilities.  It has an element of fun, an element of practicality and it also gives the child a choice but forces some prioritizing of items.  I wish I had known this years ago.  If anyone tries it, I'd love to hear how it works out!

Help! What Should I Do About?

The real voyage of discovery is not in finding new lands but in seeing with new eyes.  Marcel Proust

My child is shy and has trouble making friends at school. How can I help?

• Plan play dates and invite friends over so she can develop her social skills in a familiar environment.
• Try role playing different social situations with him/her
• Help her anticipate being successful in making friends by emphasizing and encouraging his/her progress
Books to Read:

SHYanne: Learning How to Overcome Shyness by Susan Bowman
Shy Charles by Rosemary Wells

My child is nervous about starting school. What can I do to help?
Everyone is nervous about starting school, even teachers! You can help your child by:
• Normalizing the feeling
• Sharing a positive story about what you did when you started school and felt nervous
• Reframe nervousness as excitement and anticipate the fun things he/she will be able to do at school

Books to read:
The Night Before Kindergarten by Natasha Wing
The Night Before First Grade (Reading Railroad) by Natasha Wing
Tiptoe Into Kindergarten by Jacqueline Rogers

How can I get my child to tell me about their day at school? Whenever I ask how his/her day went, all I get is grunts!

• Instead of asking a question that elicits a one word answer, ask a question that involves more description. So, instead of “How was your day?” ask, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was the hardest part of you day?”
• If you still aren’t getting much of a response, try modeling how to describe your day. You could say, “Guess what the best part of my day was?” Then describe something you did before asking about their day.”
• Make sure the tone of your conversation creates a dialogue, not a lecture or an interrogation
• Use video games, movies, cartoons, anything they are interested in, to spark a conversation about your child’s experiences.

Books to read:
55 Favorite Communication Techniques: That Get Kids Talking and Thinking (Positive Behavior Workbook Series) by Lawrence E Shapiro
Little Bill #10: Worst Day Of My Life, The (level 3)
by Bill Cosby

You can't sail to new lands unless you're willing to lose sight of the shore.  Unknown

What do I do if my child doesn’t want to go to school?
• First determine if there is a problem at school that is upsetting him/her and if so help him/her develop strategies for dealing with it
• If it is a separation problem: develop a plan for the morning routine. Structure the morning so there is no time for whining or crying. Go over the plan with your child and get their input before implementing it. Change some aspect of the morning routine that might be causing a problem. For instance, if Mom always takes her to school, have Dad take her and see if there are fewer problems with separation. Or try getting up earlier so there is more time for transitions.
• Create a behavior chart and have your child work toward a reward through good morning behavior. Often the best reward is extra time one on one with mom or dad in the evening.
• Use peer pressure to your advantage. Can your child ride the bus? Carpool with neighbors?
• Use lots of praise for on task, brave morning behavior. Let your child know you believe in their ability to handle difficult things.

Books to Read:
I Don't Want to Go to School:: Helping Children Cope with Separation Anxiety (Let's Talk) by Nancy Pando and Kathy Voerg
Mom, What If I Don't Want to Go to School Today? By Michelle Lautane, Becky Hayes, Neil Shapiro

What do I do if my child doesn’t like his teacher?
• Spend some time talking with your child about what the problem is. Get the specifics: “She's really mean" doesn't really identify the problem.
• If the problem is a misunderstanding on the child’s part, help them see things from a different perspective
• If the problem is a personality conflict, help them develop coping strategies for getting along with people different from them. You will be doing them a big favor if you help them learn to cope with different situations rather than teach them to depend on you to fix things.
• Talk about situations where you had to learn to cope with someone with a very different personality and how you managed it.

Books to Read:
It Could Have Been Worse! By A. H. Benjamin
I Think, I Am!: Teaching Kids the Power of Affirmations by Louise Hay

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant:  if we did not sometimes taste adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.  Anne Bradstreet

What do I do if my child is having friendship problems? For example, she complains of other girls ignoring her or being bossy to her.
• Discuss particular situations with your child and how she handled them. Suggest alternative responses. Encourage her to be assertive and let others know what she wants.
• Role play with your child different ways to handle difficult situations. Ask, “What if” questions. Help him build his confidence to handle a variety of situations.
• Sometimes the best solution is to find new friends. Suggest alternative friendships and ways to build new friendships.

Books to read:

My Best Friend by Mary Ann Rodman
Ready to Play!: A Tale of Toys and Friends, and Barely Any Bickering (ParentSmart/KidHappy) by Stacey R Kaye

My child has low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. How can I help?
• Self esteem is important but it needs to be based on self-confidence that comes from identifying and developing strengths. Help your child recognize their strengths and provide opportunities where they can experience success and excel.
• Provide encouragement when your child feels challenged but make sure you don’t do things for them. The best way to develop self-esteem is to try new things even though they are difficult.
• Help your child put failure in the proper perspective. Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply an opportunity to try again more intelligently.”

Books to Read:
Howard B. Wigglebottom Listens to His Heart by Howard Binkow
When I Feel Good About Myself (Way I Feel Books) by Cornelia Maude Spelman
Don’t Feed the Monster on Tuesdays! By Adolph Moser
I'm Gonna Like Me by Jamie Lee Curtis

It takes as much time and energy to wish as it does to plan.  Eleanor Roosevelt

How can I best support my child in doing homework?
• Have a regular time and place for homework. Keep consistent with the schedule so they know what to expect. Have the study area well stocked with necessary supplies.
• Review your child’s agenda and homework assignments with them each day. Help them establish a routine for recording their assignments, collecting the necessary supplies and returning the work the next day.
• Encourage your child to value completing his/her homework each day by comparing it to things you must accomplish each evening. Establishing a positive approach to homework early in your child’s school career, so that it is a learning experience not a chore will serve them well as they move beyond elementary school.

Books to Read:
Homework Without Tears by Lee Cantor
How to Do Homework Without Throwing Up by Trevor Romain and Elizabeth Verdick

What do I do if my child is failing a subject?

• Maintain an ongoing dialogue with the teacher about your child’s progress.
• Determine the cause of the problem. Is it a lack of motivation? Do they lack the necessary foundation to learn the material? Do they have a history of difficulty in this subject area?
• Once you determine the cause, you can develop a plan which might include: a behavior chart, extra time spent at home catching up on necessary concepts, a tutoring plan, etc.

Books to Read:
Learning to Learn: Strengthening Study Skills and Brain Power by Gloria Frender
Super Study Skills (Scholastic Guides) by Laurie Rozakis and David Cain

How do I help my child prepare for standardized tests?
• The best way to prepare for standardized tests is to stay current with studies throughout the year
• Reassure your child that tests are only one way of assessing their progress throughout the year and help them keep the tests in proper perspective so they don’t become anxious or stressed over them
• Make sure your child is prepared with a good night’s sleep and nutritious breakfast the day of the test

Books to Read:
Winning Strategies for Test Taking, Grades 3-8 by Linda Denstaedt, Judy Kelly, Kathleen Kryza
Winning Strategies for Test Taking, Grades 3-8: A Practical Guide for Teaching Test Preparation by Mark Pennington

My child complains of being bullied at school. What should I do?
• Spend time talking with your child to clarify the situation and determine if it is a true bullying problem or a friendship problem. Sometimes children call friendship problems bullying when the children involved need to learn better ways to get along and handle conflict.
• All bullying situations should be taken seriously and reported to the teacher and/or administration so it can be dealt with immediately.
• Follow-up with your child daily to determine if the problem is resolved. Maintain open communication with the teacher for follow-up as well.

Books to Read:
Don’t Laugh at Me by Steve Seskin and Allen Shamblin
My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig
Just Kidding by Trudy Ludwig

My child gets angry and out of control very easily. What should I do?
• Spend time talking with your child about things that trigger their anger. Make a chart and track it for a period of time to determine what usually leads up to the episode.
• Talk to your child about the self-talk that precedes the trigger situations. What are they saying to themselves that causes them to feel frustrated and angry?
• Help them develop positive and more appropriate self talk to diffuse the situation before they get out of control. Keep it simple and easy to remember.
• Practice prevention by anticipating upcoming events that might be frustrating for you r child and reviewing strategies for handling the situation.

Books to Read:
Don’t Rant and Rave on Wednesday, by Adolph Moser and David Melton
What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems With Anger (What to Do Guides for Kids) by Dawn Huebner
Taming the Dragon in Your Child: Solutions for Breaking the Cycle of Family Anger by Meg Eastman
The Very Angry Day That Amy Didn’t Have, Lawrence E. Shapiro

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.  Henry Ford

My child is frightened and doesn’t want to go to bed at night. What can I do?
• Spend time talking with your child about the self-talk that is making them afraid. What are they saying to themselves that is causing them to feel frightened?
 • Help them develop positive and more appropriate self talk to help them relax and reassure themselves.
• In addition to developing self-talk that is positive, teach them some simple relaxation techniques they can practice to help themselves relax and go to sleep.\
• Establish and maintain a calm reassuring bedtime routine.

Books to Read:
What to Do When You Dread Your Bed: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems With Sleep (What to Do Guides for Kids) Dawn Heubner
It's Time to Sleep in Your Own Bed (Transition Times) by Lawrence E. Shapiro

It doesn't matter if you're on the right track;  if you're sitting still, you'll get run over.  Will Rogers

My child is a perfectionist and this is causing problems. What can I do?
• Help your child set realistic goals. Make sure that you are providing a well rounded approach without too much emphasis on high expectations.
• Reassure your child when they fail to meet their goals and help them see failure as an opportunity to learn how to improve and do better next time.
• Model for them both achievement of goals and coping with failure. Share examples from your life of good ways to cope with both.

Books to Read:
Too Perfect by Trudy Ludwig
Being Bella: Discovering How to be Proud of Your Best by Cheryl Zuzo

My children fight and bicker constantly. They are driving me crazy! What can I do?
• Use praise and attention for cooperative behavior. Most sibling rivalry is an attempt to gain the parent’s attention so give attention for positive behavior.
• Don’t get caught in the fairness trap. Much of sibling rivalry is an attempt to gain power and status in the family pecking order. Set rules, and give privileges according to age and maturity.
• Do not encourage contests between siblings; instead encourage individual interests and strengths. Much of sibling rivalry is an attempt to gain ownership.

Books to Read:
When You Fuss and Fight: A Guide for Young Siblings, by Peggy S Baltimore
What About Me: Twelve Ways To Get Your Parents' Attention Without Hitting Your Sister by Eileen Kennedy-Moore

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count;  it's the life in your years.  Abraham Lincoln

How do I help my child cope with a death in the family?

• Every child copes differently with a death in the family, depending on their relatinship to the person who passed away and the child's personality/maturity level. It is best to be honest and caring in communicating with your child. They will take their cuues from you as to how to accept and cope with the situaiton.
• Use this as an opportunity to share your family's faith and values
• Reassure them that because one person in the family has passed away, this does not mean that he/she needs to worry about others in the family dying
• Reassure your child that the extreme feelings tthey may have now will decrease over time although they will continue to love and remember the family member
• Help him/her identify positive memories and rituals for rememberance

 Books to Read:

  Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown

  What's Heaven by Maria Shriver