Andy Stanley Parenting Tips

Kids (Photo credit: JamSmooth)

Inspiration can come from a lot of different sources and recently I followed a series of messages from Northpoint Church that was entitled Future Family. In one of the sessions, Andy Stanley the pastor of the church and his wife talked about things they learned and advice they have followed as parents.  It was a pretty brave and informative session because no matter what standards or guidelines you follow as a parent, most people are pretty quick to criticize and correct someone else's style.  Whether we are successful or not with our own children we are often quick to point out the mistakes of others. There was a lot of great content in the message but here is one part that I thought was so powerful, I said to myself and plenty of other friends, "I wish someone had told me that years ago when my children were young."  The Stanleys said that one of the guidelines they learned and followed was to focus on the following things at the following ages:

1-5 years:  Discipline
5-12 years:  Training
12-18  Coaching
18+   Friendship

I believe this is a great strategy!  Just having a conceptual framework for the task at hand can often give us clarity in specific situations.  This doesn't mean of course that you can't enjoy your children at younger ages or even be friends.  It also doesn't mean that a parent tries to mold children into a style or direct them in things that aren't of interest to them.  It does mean that the main focus in early years is developing character traits, discipline and self-control that will serve them well in later life.  In the series, Andy points out that he has talked with many parents who have parenting backwards.  In other words, they try to be friends and well liked by their children during the time when they should be discipling and training them and then resort to discipline when they should be coaching.  Instead, following these guidelines  strengthens and deepens family relationships.  It steers children and young adults into habits of success.

Much of what a counselor does in the elementary school guidance lessons could be considered training. Whenever I teach a lesson on responsibility, good citizenship, generosity etc, I am always looking for some good books that illustrate concrete examples of this behavior.  Here are some great books to go along with many of these lessons:  Kids of Character, published by Gareth Stevens Publishing.  In particular I've used:  I am Responsible and I Am Helpful for lessons on resonsibility and cooperation.

What about you?  Do you feel this framework provides a good guideline for parents to focus on throughout the parenting years?  Would you change or add to it?

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Do For One What You Wish You Could Do For All

Think outside the box... it's where the best ideas live. (Photo credit: ArtJonak)

In my last post, I discussed Andy Stanley's idea that being fair is a bad idea.  This is certainly thinking outside the box.  Just as Americans believe the Constitution gives us all a right to be happy, most also think that life should be fair.  We expect our government, our judicial system,  our personal and professional relationships to be fair.  How often have the children, the students in your life said, "It's not fair!"  How often have your coworkers complained to you, "It's not fair!"  How much of your time as a mom, a teacher, a boss is spent trying to be fair to all concerned?  Do you refrain from doing certain things because if you did it for one, you'd feel obligated to do it for all?

Andy Stanley's recommendation is to quit trying to be fair in all circumstances.  Not only is it often not possible, he goes even further and says that because it is not possible to give to all, we decide to do nothing for anyone.  This results in us being uninvolved and disconnected.  Instead he recommends; "Do for one, what you wish you could do for all."  Because of the interest in this post,  I thought I would elaborate further on how he suggests that you should follow this principle.

• Go Deep instead of Wide--Rather than try to meet the needs of all, select one or two who show potential and motivation. Give them special attention in the area of exceptional ability.  Oprah Winfrey had a third grade teacher who recognized her potential in the midst of her great insecurity.  She allowed her to stay after school regularly where she mentored and encouraged her.  Andy Stanley has a select group of developing leaders that he meets with on a weekly basis to teach and inspire.
• Go long-term instead of short term-- Once committed, don't just offer a few short sessions of counseling or coaching or teaching and send them on their way so you can develop someone else.  Instead continue for a long enough period of time to really show some results.  Dr. Benjamin Mays took the young student, Martin Luther King Junior under his supportive wings and developed a lifelong friendship.
• Give Time instead of money--Writing a check might be part of the experience but don't let it be the only part.  Time is a much more valuable and life changing commodity.  Devote regular time to encouraging and empowering someone.  

Where could you apply this principle?  Is there someone who needs your nurturing encouraging relationship so that they can flourish?