Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

An Introvert's Bag of Books (Photo credit: jurvetson)

If you follow this blog then you know that one of my areas of interest and expertise is personality styles.  In particular, I am trained as a DISC behavior consultant and one way that I love to share this information is through parenting classes that encourage parents to recognize and celebrate the strengths of their children's personality language. When I teach this information, I always emphasize is that there is no single personality style that is better than another.  This statement often resonates in a powerful way with many participants since our culture does promote the extroverted personality style over the introverted as the way to be successful, popular and well-adjusted.

I've just finished the best book I've ever read on introverted personality styles and I can't wait to share it with you.  The book is called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.  While this book is primarily written for adults who are introverts, there is much information in this book about children and parenting. 

Cain begins the book by tracing the history of the popularity of the extroverted personality style. It is fascinating stuff as she discusses how the United States valued character more than personality style prior to the rise of the Dale Carnegie Institute.  As his brand of the “mighty likeable fellow” became a prototype for the successful American, extroversion became the cultural ideal.  This cultural norm would be encouraged through articles in newspapers and magazines as well as through the advertising medium.  At the same time that the extroverted personality style was being held up as the standard to strive toward, the introverted personality style was being downplayed as the style of social misfits.  Rather than celebrating differences and recognizing their many strengths, introverts were told they had an “inferiority complex” and encouraged to work at changing themselves into the more socially adept and successful extroverts.  Dale Carnegie’s book, How To Win Friends and Influence People is a prime example of this mentality.

Cain’s book is full of research validating the differences in personality that even infants and young children display. However her main focus is the often-overlooked value and strengths of the introvert.  She concludes her book with a section on “How to Cultivate Quiet Kids in a World That Can’t Hear Them”.  Her advice to parents can be summarized as follows:

·      Take the time to understand the personality style of your introverted child

·      Don’t try to change them into someone more extroverted by pushing them into sports, activities, play dates or anything that they are not interested in doing

·      Recognize that the areas where they have strengths are sometimes solitary pursuits.  Encourage and celebrate these talents.

·      Learn about and share with them the lives of some of the famous introverts.  Rosa Parks, Einstein and Eleanor Roosevelt are a few. 

·      Recognize and teach children that introverts can be leaders, performers, really anything that they have a passion for, they just go at it from a different direction.

·      Celebrate with your child the characteristics they have that make them uniquely special.

What about you?  Are you an introvert or an extrovert?  What struggles have you had with celebrating your unique personality style? 

Related articles

• It's OK to eat alone: Q&A with Susan Cain

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• I still listen more than I speak

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• Introverts in an Extroverted Society

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• A Quiet Positive Psychology

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• On Cobblers and Generals

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Do For One What You Wish You Could Do For All

Think outside the box... it's where the best ideas live. (Photo credit: ArtJonak)

In my last post, I discussed Andy Stanley's idea that being fair is a bad idea.  This is certainly thinking outside the box.  Just as Americans believe the Constitution gives us all a right to be happy, most also think that life should be fair.  We expect our government, our judicial system,  our personal and professional relationships to be fair.  How often have the children, the students in your life said, "It's not fair!"  How often have your coworkers complained to you, "It's not fair!"  How much of your time as a mom, a teacher, a boss is spent trying to be fair to all concerned?  Do you refrain from doing certain things because if you did it for one, you'd feel obligated to do it for all?

Andy Stanley's recommendation is to quit trying to be fair in all circumstances.  Not only is it often not possible, he goes even further and says that because it is not possible to give to all, we decide to do nothing for anyone.  This results in us being uninvolved and disconnected.  Instead he recommends; "Do for one, what you wish you could do for all."  Because of the interest in this post,  I thought I would elaborate further on how he suggests that you should follow this principle.

• Go Deep instead of Wide--Rather than try to meet the needs of all, select one or two who show potential and motivation. Give them special attention in the area of exceptional ability.  Oprah Winfrey had a third grade teacher who recognized her potential in the midst of her great insecurity.  She allowed her to stay after school regularly where she mentored and encouraged her.  Andy Stanley has a select group of developing leaders that he meets with on a weekly basis to teach and inspire.
• Go long-term instead of short term-- Once committed, don't just offer a few short sessions of counseling or coaching or teaching and send them on their way so you can develop someone else.  Instead continue for a long enough period of time to really show some results.  Dr. Benjamin Mays took the young student, Martin Luther King Junior under his supportive wings and developed a lifelong friendship.
• Give Time instead of money--Writing a check might be part of the experience but don't let it be the only part.  Time is a much more valuable and life changing commodity.  Devote regular time to encouraging and empowering someone.  

Where could you apply this principle?  Is there someone who needs your nurturing encouraging relationship so that they can flourish?  

Parenting Your Careful, Conscientious Child

Image by M@rg via Flickr

So your child isn't a high energy, steady or  strong willed child.  What is the last personality style?  My youngest daughter was the child who asked questions constantly. Not only did she ask questions until you thought you would scream, she would argue with you when you gave her an answer.  Here's an example.  One day she asked me how babies came out.  Trying to be the helpful, informative mom, I launched into  all the details.  When I finished, she looked at me with a sort of exasperated look and said, "No, I mean do they come out on a conveyor belt or what?"

That's an example of a 'C' or competent personality.  They are cautious, careful, conscientious, love to be correct, and consistent, just to name a few descriptive words.  They tend to be extremely gifted and make up about 20-25% of the population.  Sometimes they have a perfectionistic, idealistic personality and can be very loyal to ideas and traditions. They tend to see the world as black and white and are often impatient with other's perceptions that are different from their own.  They like to be right and follow the rules.  They expect others to do the same and may get frustrated with others who do not measure up.  Not as outgoing as the determined or 'D' type they tend to be task oriented instead of people oriented.  Quality and details are important to them, so they cannot be rushed or pushed.  They need time to make decisions since they like to gather the facts and do things correctly.  Sometimes this perfectionistic bent lead to analysis paralysis, where they cannot make decision and more forward because they can always gather more facts to analyze before making the perfect decision.

This is a child who benefits from sincere praise and appreciation of a job well done.  Criticism should be gentle. They need time to make decisions since they like to gather the facts and do things correctly. An important role of the parent of a 'C' child is to help them see the big picture and not get too caught up in the details.  Help them discover quality answers to their many questions and encourage their curiosity about the world and how it works.  Encourage them to interact with others and learn to empathize with feelings.  Celebrate the 'C' child's naturally inquisitive nature, and their desire to do things right and with high value.  Oh, and get ready for those challenging "where do babies come from..." questions.  Smile.

Parenting The Strong-Willed Child

Image by Tony Trần via Flickr

I have a comic strip on my door at work that has a little boy telling his Dad, "You'll never be as smart as me dad.  Back when God built your brain...he was using older technology."  Pretty clever, huh?  Probably hits home for many parents like me who rely on younger children to tweak their websites, blog posts and download all kinds of materials that seem beyond  our older antiquated computer competencies.  Recently, I was trying to insert a picture into a profile  and guess what happened?  The picture on my desktop became so enlarged that I could literally count the hairs on my head.  Gives a new meaning to the term, 'Big hair" doesn't it?  My daughter was amazed at what I had done...not pleasantly impressed but amazed none the less.

There's another aspect of this cartoon that I like to focus on:  How is this kid wired?  What is his personality style?  Not hard to guess if you are familiar with the  DISC profile.  Sounds like a 'D' profile to me.  Often represented as a lion or an eagle, here are some words to describe them: determined, decisive, demanding, takes charge, bold, self-reliant, independent, confident, direct, competitive, challenges the status quo.  In a word, strong-willed.  Sound like anyone in your house?  If so, I bet you are wondering how you can create a climate that promotes peace in your household while still ensuring success for the 'D' wired child?  Here's a few recommendations: First of all, celebrate their unique qualities!  The same characteristics that make them a challenge to parent, can also be traits that put them in charge of their own corporation or  make them the next president of the country.  Find ways to channel that talent into productive pursuits.  What can they be in charge of at home?  In the community?  At church?  If you can pique their interest and develop in them a passion for excellence in a productive arena, you will make your job as a parent much easier.  Provide them with a challenge as well as some control and choices in order to get their best cooperation.  Give them room to not only grow but fail when necessary.  'D' wired children especially need to learn that there are consequences to their behavior.   Crystal clear boundaries, preferably written down, so they know your expectations will be essential.  The more you can encourage ownership of the situation, the better will be their cooperation and participation.  'D' wired children are often not naturally sensitive to the feelings of others, so it may be your job to help them recognize how their behavior and words affect others.  Help them learn compassion and develop a servant's heart while accomplishing their goals. 

 Your own personality profile often determines the type of struggles you may have with the 'D' wired child.  If you happen to be a 'D' wired parent, there is the possibility of power struggles and as you both vie for control.  Be firm but consistent, avoiding threats and ultimatums.  ' I' wired parents may need to focus on establishing rules and clear expectations, while following through with consequences and discipline.  If your own wiring is the 'S' personality profile, you will need to visit the 'D' traits in order to maintain control and teach her to recognize and respect authority other than her own.  Be firm and force yourself to take a stand.  Finally, 'C' wired parents may need to give their 'D' wired child some responsibility while refraining from stepping in when their own perfectionist goals aren't met.  Keep in mind that while 'D' wired children are similarly task oriented their pace is faster and less exacting than the reserved 'C' wired individual.   

This is the first of a four part series on parenting through speaking your child's personality language.  Next post will discuss parenting the Inspiring or 'I' type child.  If you would like to read more on parenting and personality styles, I suggest Personality Insights for Moms! by Susan Crook with Robert A Rohm Ph.D.  or Different Children, Different Needs, by Dr. Charles F. Boyd with Robert Rohm.  Ph.D. You can purchase either book at a 10% discount by visiting my website, www.wyattthewonderdog.com    Click on the link to the Personality Insights store on the left and you will receive a 10% discount on all purchases.  Or you can buy them on Amazon: