Your Personality Style and the Art of Saying No

 

As we hit the home run stretch of the holiday season, one of the most important words, we as parents can learn to say is "no".  It's a hard lesson but an important one to learn. All you have to do is spend a little time out in the malls shopping with a child or observing others shopping with their children to see what I'm talking about.

Your Personality Style and Saying No

As you may know I'm a big fan of the DISC personality profile and understanding our personality is  helpful as we think about why it is difficult for many of us to say 'no'.  Some personality styles have more trouble saying no than others.

As a quick refresher, there are four basic personality styles.  Here is a short description of each so you can determine where you fit in best: 

• D personality:  dominant, decisive, determined, direct
• I personality:  Inspiring, interactive, impulsive, involved
• S personality:  Supportive, stable, sweet, shy, sensitive
• C personality:  Cautious, calculating, conscientious, correct

Keeping in mind that we are all blends of these four, which one or two describes you? Now, let's think about how your personality influences saying 'no' and setting limits with children.

For instance, if you are 'D' personality, you probably wonder why anyone would write a post about saying no, never mind have trouble saying the words. Your communication is direct and decisive and saying 'no' for you is not difficult.  However, if you are any of the 3 remaining personality styles you understand the problem from a different perspective. 'I' personalities don't say no because they love to say yes to everything fun, exciting and festive about the holiday season. 'S' personalities probably have the most trouble saying no because they want to please everyone and don't want to disappoint. Finally, 'C' personalities have trouble saying no because they want to make absolutely sure they have gotten all the facts before they make a decision and say no to anything. Sometimes it's hard isn't it?

What Role Model Will Be Your Child's Legacy?

Of course during this time of year it's not just about saying no to children and all their requests for gifts, there are many areas in our lives where saying no is healthy and a good idea. Do you limit yourself and say no to material things that you can't afford? Do you make careful choices about where you spend your time or do you say yes to everything that comes down the pike because you don't want to miss out on any experience? Do you say yes to things because you'd feel guilty if you said no, even though you really don't want to spend your time doing what you just agreed to do? Finally, do you say yes to things because you don't want your child to be unhappy even though you can't afford monetarily or time-wise to honor their request?

As parents, I'm not sure we realize what a disservice we do to our children when we always say yes and don't teach them the value of saying no. Of course we can spoil them with too many material things but the real danger is that by never modeling how to say no, we never teach them to say no to themselves as adults. I was reminded of this lesson myself when teaching a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace group. One of the young adults in the group explained that budgeting was extremely hard for her because as a child growing up, her parents managed to somehow buy everything she wanted, even if it meant sacrificing themselves. Consequently now as an adult, she has a very hard time saying no to herself whenever she wants something even when it wrecks havoc with her finances.   When we fail to say no to our children, we don't just spoil them for the moment. We also model for them how to handle their future decisions.

How do you as a parent balance saying no with saying yes to your children? How successful are you at saying no to yourself? Where do you think you learned that?

Here are a couple of great books to help children learn to accept no for an answer:




and to learn that Christmas is not just about getting something but giving as well:




Like this post?  Share with your friends on Facebook and Twitter!

Understanding Personality Styles is Key to Classroom Management



Classroom (Photo credit: James F Clay)



During pre-planning this year, I spoke at Woodstock Elementary School about connecting with students in the classroom.  We reviewed the DISC personality style and discussed how our personal personality style impacts the classroom. There are four basic personality styles and here's a short summary of each of the personality style characteristics:

D: dominant, determined, doer, demanding
I: inspiring, influencing, interactive
S: stable, supportive, sweet, shy
C: cautious, competent, calculating, concerned

This could be a typical classroom scenario:

You are a high ‘C’ teacher and you have just entered the classroom well prepared with lesson plans in hand. Your lesson  is well organized and covers the entire required curriculum standards. You have even put in extra time researching the material and have a whole bonus section to share. Part of the lesson involves dividing your class into groups to complete a group project. You know you are going to give a perfect lesson. Your class is the usual mix of students but includes the following:

Donald is a high ‘D” student who dominates every discussion and has an answer to every question. He even makes suggestions to you as to how to teach the lesson. He thinks some of the facts that you are presenting are incorrect. He finishes his work quickly and wants to know what else he can do while everyone is working. When placed in a group to work on a project, he takes charge, divides up the assignment and tells everyone what they should do. He does not listen to other group member’s suggestions and insists his way is the best. Everyone in his group comes to you and asks to be reassigned to another group.

Isabelle is a high ‘I’ student who has a lot on her mind but learning is not really part of it. She has come to see her friends and meet new ones! She loves people and school is simply an environment for socializing. She likes to have fun and has a clever comment to make related to just about everything. She talks to her neighbor, passes notes back and forth and shuffles papers the whole time you are teaching. She loves the idea of a group project because then she can talk with her friends even more.

Carl is a high ‘C’ student who likes to learn. He asks a lot of questions about the material that you are teaching. When assigned to a group project, he wants to know all the details; what are the requirements? What is the topic? Can they change the topic? How long does the report need to be? Who is responsible for each section? How will the grade be determined? Exactly how long will they have to work on the report? 

Sally is a high ‘S’ student and with all the commotion in the classroom, it is easy to forget that she is even there. She is a little shy and never volunteers an answer or asks a question, although when called on she always tries hard to please. In her group, she is quiet unless someone else needs help. She is always the first to offer her assistance. She has a lot of ideas to share but the other group members move so fast that she is usually left out. When she leaves the classroom, she always gives you a hug and tells you to have a nice day.

Sound familiar? How successful are you going to be in delivering your lesson? What is the secret fuel or motivation for each personality? How can you ensure that the groups work well together and actually fulfill the requirements of the project? Understanding the personality types is the key.

Sometimes you read a book that really captures a personality style perfectly. Deb Fox's book: The Quiet Kid is one of those books. She compares the quiet personality of the child to a sailboat and you can just feel the peace and calm through her amazing illustrations that accompany the poem.

 Recently there has been renewed interest and research on the quiet or introverted personality. Referred to as the "S" personality style in the DISC profile, they can be described as shy, reserved and reluctant to move outside of the status quo.  About 30-35% of the population is wired with the S type personality.  They have lots of wonderful qualities including: steady, stable and supportive. They are people pleasers with a servant's heart, who often consider others and their needs first. 'S' type children are delightful to be around and if you have one in your family or your classroom, you are blessed. They are highly motivated to perform and please the adults around them. They are the students who draw a picture or write you a letter to let you know that you are the best teacher in the world.

I've added The Quiet Kid to my book shelf as a great resource for the many quiet or "S" personality style children that I see.  You might want to consider it as well. 

How Can You Use Personality Style To Motivate Children?

Peeled, whole, and longitudinal section (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good friend's daughter has a three year old who calls banana peels, 'nano wrappers'. This is pretty funny in itself but the story she told me recently is hysterical. Apparently while riding in the car and eating a banana, Walter's mother took the 'nano wrapper' and tossed it out the window. Walter having been taught never to throw anything out the window was horrified at his mother's actions and in great distress, told her she shouldn't do that. She explained to him that banana peels are good for the earth and animals might eat them so it really was not bad to throw 'nano wrappers' outside. He considered this new information for a few seconds, then leaned out the window and yelled, "Birds! Birds! Nano wrappers are good!" She laughed so hard, she had to pull off the road.

A common topic among teachers and parents alike is how to motivate and encourage children to do the things they need to do; homework, learn their multiplication tables, practice the piano, clean their room.  Often you hear the teacher or parent complain, "They're just not motivated!  I've tried everything I can think of. Even losing privileges isn't working!"  Does this sound like you?  Have you said this?

One important aspect of encouragement and motivation is understanding the DISC personality style of the child. When it comes to motivation, one size does not fit all.   For instance, if you have a 'D' wired child, that is one who is strong-willed, determined, decisive and action oriented, you can use their personality style to motivate them.   'D' personalities are very competitive and love a challenge, so setting a goal to give their energy some direction will be very successful. Their secret fuel is getting results, so be sure to have a way for them to track their accomplishments.

'I' wired children are interactive, inspirational, influencing.  They are great starters but not such great finishers.  Since they thrive on social interaction and recognition, setting a goal that involves a social network to support and encourage them to achieve it would be best.  Add in an element of fun and the I wired child will be hooked.

'S' wired children are steady, stable, sweet and like the status quo.  They are great finishers but often have difficulty starting tasks.  They are very tuned in to the needs of others and will work to accomplish a goal as much to please you as to please themselves.  Select a goal that they can commit to with your support or the support of a close friend to motivate them to get going. Give them lots of encouragement and let them know how much you appreciate their efforts along the way.

Finally, 'C' wired children are cautious, careful, competent and concerned.  They love to develop and research a goal.  If they are committed, they will work hard to accomplish the task.  Help them see the big picture so that they don't get lost in the details and you will have a winning combination. Provide them with good value for their work, quality answers to their questions and let them know the 'right' thing to do  and they will be motivated to complete the task.

Learning to set and accomplish goals is an important skill to learn.  Following through on those goals and staying motivated to the end can be difficult, but if  you speak your child's personality language, you can ensure that they are successful.  Sometimes like the birds, we just need to know what is good for us!

What is your experience with motivating children?  What works with your child?

Want a great book to teach even the youngest child about personality styles?  Try this one:

Parenting Your Careful, Conscientious Child

Image by M@rg via Flickr

So your child isn't a high energy, steady or  strong willed child.  What is the last personality style?  My youngest daughter was the child who asked questions constantly. Not only did she ask questions until you thought you would scream, she would argue with you when you gave her an answer.  Here's an example.  One day she asked me how babies came out.  Trying to be the helpful, informative mom, I launched into  all the details.  When I finished, she looked at me with a sort of exasperated look and said, "No, I mean do they come out on a conveyor belt or what?"

That's an example of a 'C' or competent personality.  They are cautious, careful, conscientious, love to be correct, and consistent, just to name a few descriptive words.  They tend to be extremely gifted and make up about 20-25% of the population.  Sometimes they have a perfectionistic, idealistic personality and can be very loyal to ideas and traditions. They tend to see the world as black and white and are often impatient with other's perceptions that are different from their own.  They like to be right and follow the rules.  They expect others to do the same and may get frustrated with others who do not measure up.  Not as outgoing as the determined or 'D' type they tend to be task oriented instead of people oriented.  Quality and details are important to them, so they cannot be rushed or pushed.  They need time to make decisions since they like to gather the facts and do things correctly.  Sometimes this perfectionistic bent lead to analysis paralysis, where they cannot make decision and more forward because they can always gather more facts to analyze before making the perfect decision.

This is a child who benefits from sincere praise and appreciation of a job well done.  Criticism should be gentle. They need time to make decisions since they like to gather the facts and do things correctly. An important role of the parent of a 'C' child is to help them see the big picture and not get too caught up in the details.  Help them discover quality answers to their many questions and encourage their curiosity about the world and how it works.  Encourage them to interact with others and learn to empathize with feelings.  Celebrate the 'C' child's naturally inquisitive nature, and their desire to do things right and with high value.  Oh, and get ready for those challenging "where do babies come from..." questions.  Smile.

Parenting The Shy Sensitive Child

You gotta love kids.  I was recently teaching a class on feelings and the book I was reading had the line in it... "Are you feeling bold?".  I've learned never to assume that children know what I am talking about, so I stopped and asked the kindergarten class if they knew what bold meant.  Being five and six year olds they of course did.  The child I called on confidently replied "You know, it's when you have no hair."

We have been talking about the different personality styles in children and today's post is about the 'S' personality style.  Bold is definitely NOT a word that would be used to describe them.  In fact, they often tend to be shy, reserved and reluctant to move outside of the status quo.  They have lots of wonderful qualities including:  steady, stable and supportive. They are people pleasers with a servant's heart, who often  consider others and their needs first. 'S' type children are delightful to be around and if you have one in your family, you are blessed. Teachers especially enjoy having 'S' type students in their classroom. They are highly motivated to perform and please the adults around them. They are the students who draw a picture or write you a letter to let you know that you are the best teacher in the world. About 30-35% of the population is wired with the S type personality and as adults, they are most commonly found in service industry jobs. Teachers and nurses for instance, are usually S types.

What is the downside of the S type personality? They can be too devoted to pleasing others. They may need to learn that friendship sometimes needs to take second place to other aspects of their lives. In addition, they need to learn that conflict can be healthy and necessary. Be sure to balance doing things for your 'S' child with encouraging the child to do things for himself. They often need help starting tasks and making decisions although they are great at finishing tasks once started.   They will need to learn to form opinions for themselves and not to be easily influenced by others who have a more dominant personality.  Make sure you offer lots of appreciation and support to the 'S' child and they will thrive. Take a softer and more gentle approach by speaking in softer less demanding tones.  Show appreciation for who they are rather than on what they accomplish.  Celebrate the dependable, compassionate nature of their personality which always strives for peace and harmony in the family.

Image by Andrei! via Flickr

Parenting the High Energy Child

Image via Wikipedia

In the last post, I talked about the 'D' wired personality.  Another outgoing personality type is the 'I' profile.  See if you can tell the characteristics of this child from the following letter. It was written to Bethany Hamilton, the young surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack. In a fourth grade guidance lesson about people who overcame great difficulties and finished strong, we studied Bethany’s story then each student wrote her a letter. Here’s the letter:

Dear Bethany,

My name is Carleigh. I’m enjoying learning about you. What do you like to do when you’re not surfing? Are you still surfing? Are you married, and do you have any kids? Lots of people like you. You are the people’s competition winner! Oh, yay, have a great Halloween and have a great Christmas with your family. And tell your family members have a great day and have great holidays.

Sincerely, Carleigh

P.S. You’re a great surfer and keep up the good work! It’s possible so do what you got to do Bethany! You’re a great person and don’t ever forget that. Your parents raised you swell.

I think from this letter, you might feel like you know more about Carleigh, the student, than Bethany the surfer. Do the words, inspirational, impressionable, imaginative, friendly, talkative, outgoing, enthusiastic, warm and fun come to mind? You have just described the child who is high 'I'. They love to be the center of attention, are extremely social, excited, warm and friendly. Unlike the 'D' profile, they are people-oriented, not task oriented. If you want someone to boost your spirits or to plan a party, talk to an 'I' personality. However, if you want to get the job done…maybe you want to find another personality type. Just as with all the personalities, the 'I' profile has weaknesses including unfocused, impulsive, unrealistic and directionless. 

What can you do to help the high I child succeed? Provide the high 'I' child with recognition and they will flourish. At the same time they need to have clear boundaries and be held accountable and responsible. Just as they are great at influencing and encouraging others they can also lean toward manipulating others with their charming personality.  Don’t let them talk their way out of the necessary chores and details of life!  The energizing fuel for this personality is FUN!  You will get better cooperation if you can inject some element of fun into their responsibilities.  Perhaps make it into a game or contest. Resist bailing them out when they fail to follow-through though and help them develop the discipline necessary to accomplish their goals.

As always, your own personality style can influence how you parent.  If you are a high 'D' personality style, you will need to remember that the 'I' personality is more concerned about relationships and having fun than results.  Your skill in accomplishing the goals is something the 'I' personality can benefit from learning.  Help them learn to transform talk into action.  If you are also an 'I' wired parent then you will have a lot in common with your fun-loving and social child.  However, make sure that you help your child develop organizational skills and responsibility as well.  If you are a 'S' wired parent, keeping up with the pace of this active and outgoing child can be a challenge for you.  You must learn to set firm limits and follow through, since her charming and fast-talking ability can leave you wondering how you got persuaded into something you had no intention of doing.  Hold her accountable and do not overdo for her.  If you are a 'C' wired parent, you must first recognize that your personality is exactly opposite of that of your 'I' wired child.  You may need to modify your high expectations and look for ways to encourage him in his strengths.  This child hungers for acceptance and recognition, so find ways to encourage them as much as they encourage others.  Finally, no matter what your wired parenting style is, find time to enjoy your high 'I' child as much as they enjoy life!  They can bring sunshine and smiles into any group they are a part of.  Hopefully like Carleigh, they will someday say, "You raised me swell."

Looking for another great book to learn more about the different personality styles?  Try Positive Personality Profiles by Dr. Robert A. Rohm.  It will encourage you to celebrate your child's unique wired style.  You can get a copy and a 10% discount by going to http://www.wyattthewonderdog.com/ and clicking on the personality insights link.  Or you can buy it on Amazon:

Parenting The Strong-Willed Child

Image by Tony Trần via Flickr

I have a comic strip on my door at work that has a little boy telling his Dad, "You'll never be as smart as me dad.  Back when God built your brain...he was using older technology."  Pretty clever, huh?  Probably hits home for many parents like me who rely on younger children to tweak their websites, blog posts and download all kinds of materials that seem beyond  our older antiquated computer competencies.  Recently, I was trying to insert a picture into a profile  and guess what happened?  The picture on my desktop became so enlarged that I could literally count the hairs on my head.  Gives a new meaning to the term, 'Big hair" doesn't it?  My daughter was amazed at what I had done...not pleasantly impressed but amazed none the less.

There's another aspect of this cartoon that I like to focus on:  How is this kid wired?  What is his personality style?  Not hard to guess if you are familiar with the  DISC profile.  Sounds like a 'D' profile to me.  Often represented as a lion or an eagle, here are some words to describe them: determined, decisive, demanding, takes charge, bold, self-reliant, independent, confident, direct, competitive, challenges the status quo.  In a word, strong-willed.  Sound like anyone in your house?  If so, I bet you are wondering how you can create a climate that promotes peace in your household while still ensuring success for the 'D' wired child?  Here's a few recommendations: First of all, celebrate their unique qualities!  The same characteristics that make them a challenge to parent, can also be traits that put them in charge of their own corporation or  make them the next president of the country.  Find ways to channel that talent into productive pursuits.  What can they be in charge of at home?  In the community?  At church?  If you can pique their interest and develop in them a passion for excellence in a productive arena, you will make your job as a parent much easier.  Provide them with a challenge as well as some control and choices in order to get their best cooperation.  Give them room to not only grow but fail when necessary.  'D' wired children especially need to learn that there are consequences to their behavior.   Crystal clear boundaries, preferably written down, so they know your expectations will be essential.  The more you can encourage ownership of the situation, the better will be their cooperation and participation.  'D' wired children are often not naturally sensitive to the feelings of others, so it may be your job to help them recognize how their behavior and words affect others.  Help them learn compassion and develop a servant's heart while accomplishing their goals. 

 Your own personality profile often determines the type of struggles you may have with the 'D' wired child.  If you happen to be a 'D' wired parent, there is the possibility of power struggles and as you both vie for control.  Be firm but consistent, avoiding threats and ultimatums.  ' I' wired parents may need to focus on establishing rules and clear expectations, while following through with consequences and discipline.  If your own wiring is the 'S' personality profile, you will need to visit the 'D' traits in order to maintain control and teach her to recognize and respect authority other than her own.  Be firm and force yourself to take a stand.  Finally, 'C' wired parents may need to give their 'D' wired child some responsibility while refraining from stepping in when their own perfectionist goals aren't met.  Keep in mind that while 'D' wired children are similarly task oriented their pace is faster and less exacting than the reserved 'C' wired individual.   

This is the first of a four part series on parenting through speaking your child's personality language.  Next post will discuss parenting the Inspiring or 'I' type child.  If you would like to read more on parenting and personality styles, I suggest Personality Insights for Moms! by Susan Crook with Robert A Rohm Ph.D.  or Different Children, Different Needs, by Dr. Charles F. Boyd with Robert Rohm.  Ph.D. You can purchase either book at a 10% discount by visiting my website, www.wyattthewonderdog.com    Click on the link to the Personality Insights store on the left and you will receive a 10% discount on all purchases.  Or you can buy them on Amazon:

Do you sometimes wish your child came with an instruction manual? Not only do children come in all shapes and sizes, they also come with different personality styles. Understanding and communicating in your child’s personality style is essential to empowering your child to develop high self esteem and reach their potential. It's also a key ingredient in creating and maintaining a good relationship with your child. By focusing on how your child is wired, you can empower them to recognize and maximize their strengths. You can communicate in ways that your child will understand. 


Next Sunday, September 11th, I will again be offering a parenting class at Kennesaw United Methodist Church.  In the class you will:
• Learn to identify your own personality style

• Learn to identify your child’s natural wired style

• Learn what secret fuel each personality type needs for motivation

• Learn practical techniques for encouraging and empowering your child to be their best!

I hope you will join me for an exciting evening September 11th at 5:00pm. 

How Do You Teach Time Management To Kids?

It's back to school time again and here at Sixes Elementary, where I work, everyone is busy preparing for the first day of school which begins next week!  I work with an amazing team of caring, dedicated people and there is a flurry of activity as rooms are prepared, materials are sorted and lesson plans are created.

As a parent, I remember the days leading up to the first day of school a a little differently.  It was not only time to buy school supplies and school clothes, but it was also time to get back on a different schedule.  Late nights and sleeping in needed to turn  into early organized mornings and bedtime routines.  This sounds much easier than it actually is.  Many a parent has become a raving maniac, just from dealing with a resistant slower-than-molasses child who needs to catch the school bus at the designated time each morning.

Recently, I attended Dr. Robert Rohm's Advanced Behavioral Training where we learned time tips for the four different personality types.  It seems to me that knowing something about how each personality type approaches time, could help teachers and parents alike, as we all prepare for back to school schedules.  Here's a few pointers:

'D' personality styles are dominant, independent, impatient and competitive.  They tend to focus on the future and are high achievers.  To get your high 'D' child on a great morning routine, provide them with control and challenge.  Have them be an active part in planning and implementing their schedule and routine.  Make sure they understand the results of their efforts.

'I' personality styles are inspiring, energetic, friendly and talkative.  They tend to focus on the present and  enjoy meeting and influencing people.  To get them motivated for a successful morning routine and school year, emphasize the fun and interactive aspects.  Since 'I' personalities tend to be loosely disciplined and unfocused, you as the parent may need to teach them the benefits of structure and focus. To engage them and make sure they are motivated, make sure you build in some fun, energetic and interactive components to their routine.

'S' personality styles tend to be supportive, steady, good helpers and practical.  They like things to be simple and problem-free.  Provide a low-pressure, encouraging morning atmosphere and you will gain their cooperation.  A steady predictable routine where they receive frequent feedback for a job well-done will go a long way to motivate them.

Finally the 'C' personality style tends to be cautious, accurate, precise and insightful.  They focus on past information to make logical choices and prefer getting all the details in order to make quality decisions.  This child is more likely to get YOU on a morning schedule than to need to you to structure them!  However, because of their perfectionistic nature, they do sometimes need more time to do things the right way, so make sure you build extra time into their morning schedule.

Well, there you have it;  some time tips for  creating a successful morning schedule with your child while taking into account their personality style.  Here's to a GREAT NEW SCHOOL YEAR!